Whilst discussing various situations, scenarios and issues with a client, recently he told me that there were times when his wife had pulled him up about something he had said and would remind him… “It’s not what you said; it’s how you said it”.

Interesting.

My follow-up question was as follows: “is that confined to your wife, or is there a carryover from that to how you speak with other people around you? e.g. the team you lead?”.

His answer, well, the honest answer, took a while to come as we had to work our way through the usual levels of realisation/responsibility:

I never really thought about it
Not sure
Maybe
Now that you mention it
I might
I probably do
Yes

Ok, now we were getting somewhere.

The first step in solving a problem is admitting/recognising there is one. But enough about our client and where he is, let’s explore that statement.

“It’s not what you said; it’s how you said it”.

How much is this relevant to how you approach things when talking to those you lead about performance issues?

My guess is probably quite a bit. I say that from the experience of regularly working with leaders, coaches, and parents, and it is one of the most common areas we identify and then work on.

That is, how do they effectively communicate what it is they need to say.

I believe many different facets go into having a successful conversation with someone about what they are doing, how they are doing it and the results generated from their efforts. And because of these many different facets, there are equally, if not more, considerations and effort about how the issue of performance is raised and discussed.

In the end, though, as is the case in most situations, you have two choices

1. Do it right
2. Do it the easy way

It is not my place to tell you which choice you should make, however…

For a thousand and one reasons, your choice should always be choice number one.

I say this because it isn’t just about doing the right thing for the person you lead. It isn’t just about working hard with them to see them improve. It isn’t just about doing what you can to see their performance improve. It isn’t just about getting them to take responsibility for improving their results.

It’s also about you and the values you have as a person. It’s about you and your philosophy of leadership. It’s about you and the character of your being.

Doing things the easy way never led to anything substantial. It never allows you to take pride in what you have done, and it never delivers outstanding results.

And communication with those you lead is no different.

Remember where we started?

“It’s not what you said; it’s how you said it”.

The Journey Continues!